January 27, 2010

State of the Union Drinking Game

Since this seems to be the day for it, let me set up the rules for tonight's State of the Union address.

1. Make sure you're not drinking anything with higher than 80 proof. Alcohol poisoning can be fatal.

2. On second thought, 80 proof might be too high. Or you'll only be able to take small sips rather than do full shots. Either way, use your discretion to avoid any unintended 911 calls.

3. Don't think that just using shots of non-alcoholic beverages is a good idea either. You're going to need the mind-numbing effects of a good inebriant to get through the entire speech. Like I said, we want to avoid any unintended 911 calls, so for your own good, make sure you're drinking something with at least minimal alcoholic content.

4. Make sure it's not rubbing alcohol.

Now on to the game itself:

5. Each of the following words or phrases will require a shot:

"fight(ing) [for you*]"
"fat cat(s)"
"let me be [**] clear"
"make no mistake"
"middle class [folks ***]"
"inherited [from the previous administration****]"
"[green ******] jobs"
"back to work"
"health care"
"tax credit"

* - one shot for any variation of "fight:" double shot if he's doing it "for you"
** - one shot for a straight-up "let me be clear:" double shot if he also tells you just how clear he's going to be, i.e., perfectly, absolutely, totally, etc.
*** - one shot for just "middle-class:" double shot if he shows just how folksy and not out of touch at all he is with ordinary folks by adding "folks." Triple-shot if he adds "hard-workin'."
**** one shot for just "inherited:" double shot if he specifically has to point out to you people who are just too dense to get it that everything bad that has happened for the last year, for the next three years, and also going back to the crucifixion of Christ is George W. Bush's fault. Obama's the good guy here who just got stuck with the mess. He's doing his best. No one told him there was math involved, and it's really, really hard. Don't forget that, champ. He won. He will trump you on that. Got it?
***** one shot for just "jobs:" double shot for all those "green jobs" that Obama has/will save(d)/create(d). And just because no administration in history has ever measured progress by the jobs they saved doesn't mean that they're just making it all up and expecting you to be stupid enough to buy into it. Really...What? Hey look over there! Squirrel!

Those are the "gimmes," and it's almost unfair to make you drink each time he uses one of these. Almost. But see #3 above. You're gonna need the "gimmes" just to make it through.

6. Now come the double-shot words and phrases:

"I understand"
"Speaker Pelosi"
"Majority Leader Reid"
"Congressional leadership"

7. If you find yourself feeling faint, dizzy or nauseous during the speech, just assume the lotus position, close your eyes and chant "November 2010 is coming...2012 isn't that far away..." over and over again until you feel better.